7 Unintentionally Dirty Things I’ve Said to My Kid

The best thing about Easter for us non-Easter-celebrating folk is when it’s over and drugstores slash prices on holiday-related things. Yesterday I stopped by CVS, went through their 75% items, and came home with something I thought my 2-year-old daughter would go bananas over – a yellow plastic cylinder like the base of a flashlight with clear egg-shaped top made to look like a bee. When you press a button, the insides of the egg spin causing lights to flash and the whole thing to buzz and quiver. The toy cost 62 cents or approximately what it cost to make. Sienna squealed with glee and I smiled because I’d made my daughter happy.

Ear!” she shouted, eyes gleaming with fascination at this new sensation tickling her skin. She pressed the buzzing bee to her earlobe. “Nose! Arm! Elbow! Head!”

“Wait until your bedroom’s dark,” I said excitedly. “It’ll light up blue and green and yellow and red! Do you like how it vibrates?” And then my innocently meant words hit me in an entirely differently context. I looked at the shape of the thing. The bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound echoed in my ears. Face-palm.

Sienna's Vibrator

Sienna with her new “toy”

To all you new or soon-to-be parents out there, this isn’t an abnormal thing. You’re all going to say something really simple only to do a double take with your partner as it sinks in that you’ve said a simple phrase you’ve happened to associate with Skinemaxian entertainment for the past decade or two. At first you’ll blush. Then you’ll giggle. Soon you and your partner will race to say, “That’s what she/he said!” And finally, as your child gets older and you and your partner try not to laugh at what one of you just said, you’re just going to do the old face-palm. So I present to you the 7 funniest phrases (plus one bonus Q&A that had my wife and I on the floor) I’ve said to of about my daughter that when taken out of context, means something entirely different in the bedroom.:

1) “Do you like how it vibrates?”

See above

2) “Please swallow!” and “Don’t spit! Swallow!”

The first time I said this I literally cringed until I caught my wife’s eye and saw her trying so hard not to laugh. Then I just laughed along and went with it.

3) “The girl was so wet, she was dripping.”

Ah those fluctuating pre-air conditioner spring days when you put your kid down for a nap and discover her all sweaty and disgusting because her room was about 80 degrees.

4) “You need to suck harder.”

Teaching my daughter how to use a straw. My wife beat me to “That’s what he said!”

5) “She’s so cute, I just want to eat her.”

Can’t remember when or why I said it, but does it matter? When those words come out of your mouth, translate into adult connotations, and you realize you’re talking about your daughter? *shiver*

6) “Did you just put that whole thing in your mouth?!”

After Sienna gobbled an entire string cheese without chewing forcing her cheeks to look like she’d been gathering nuts for the winter

7) “Stop playing with your balls!”

Doesn’t really apply to a girl, but it still generated a sideways look between my wife and I. You parents of boys are sure to love saying that one for the first time!

BONUS!

One thing you new and soon-to-be parents might not know is that kids sometimes take time to learn how to use their tongues correctly (face-palm) meaning that the letter L often gives them trouble. Hence, I bring you the following interaction that had my wife and I doubled over with laughter as our daughter stood with such gloriously and proud and pure look on her face:

Me: “Sienna, what do you want for dinner?”

Sienna, pointing at the wall clock: “C*ck”

What can us parents do but cackle?

34 thoughts on “7 Unintentionally Dirty Things I’ve Said to My Kid

  1. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Chris Bernholdt

    May 13, 2014 at 9:25pm

    LMAO! I often think about what my neighbors are thinking when I am teaching my girls how to properly blow bubbles in the yard. “Don’t put your lips on it. No, blow it, don’t suck it in” Great post!

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 14, 2014 at 3:22pm

      Blowing bubbles and sucking through straws. Just no way around it! Thanks so much, Chris!

  2. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    MVS

    May 13, 2014 at 11:54pm

    My best friend’s 2-year-old is hilarious when she says the word “kitty.” And she ADORES them. She’s always saying things like “Hello Titty!” And “Look at those cute little titties!” It’s so hard for me not to crack up!!!

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Nicole

      May 15, 2014 at 12:01am

      My cousin wanted a “Hello Kitty” bra when she was about 3, but she said “Hello Titty.” Taking a 3 year old shopping for a hello titty bra definitely tops my list of favorite stories about her, especially because she’s a teenager now.

      • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

        Lorne Jaffe

        May 15, 2014 at 11:57am

        That’s hysterical, Nicole! I can’t wait to share the “c*ck” story w/ Sienna’s boyfriends! Wait, no…that would be a bad idea 😉 Glad you enjoyed the blog!

  3. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Jack

    May 14, 2014 at 10:32am

    Made me laugh. I didn’t know what to with myself when I first said similar things to my daughter. It is just doh!

  4. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Justin

    May 14, 2014 at 10:34am

    Fantastic and hilarious read Lorne! I have often found my wife staring at me holding back a laugh as I say something to the kids that sounds really bad haha.

    Great job buddy.

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 14, 2014 at 3:20pm

      Thanks so much, Justin! Really is amazing how many times we have stifle laughs!

  5. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Concretin Nik

    May 14, 2014 at 10:37am

    HA! Good stuff. This happened just yesterday…
    TheBoy (in the background over and over): “Ott. Whore.”
    Me(to HisMother)*whispering*: Why is he saying whore?
    Her: He’s writing “author.” (Aut… hor… as he’s writing.)

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 14, 2014 at 3:19pm

      That’s awesome, Nik! Thanks for the compliment and sharing the anecdote!

  6. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    M. Adams

    May 14, 2014 at 10:54am

    Lmao, done many of these!

  7. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Nick Browne

    May 14, 2014 at 11:34am

    Lorne this had me in tears! Great post, man! Reminded me of the time I told my 3-year old daughter to “get off the pole!” when she was trying to swing on our standing lamp. I immediately said to myself “I’ll take ‘things I NEVER want to say to my daughters again’, Alex.”

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 14, 2014 at 3:27pm

      Thanks so much, Nick! I’ve said the pole thing too lol. We just can’t win 😉

  8. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    TONIA L. CLARK

    May 14, 2014 at 3:20pm

    I’m at a loss for anything witty that I’ve said to my kids in the past, but I’m fairly certain I’ve inadvertently said something completely out of context in another parallel dirty minded non-parental universe.
    The hard part is not laughing too hard after the fact or otherwise your tween will say “What’s so funny? I don’t get it?” and of course you wonder if you should reply with “You’ll understand when you’re older” or “Never mind, it’s not important.” or the “What? Who? What are we talking about? Hey did you see that bird?” the ever famous parental changing the subject line verbiage.

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 14, 2014 at 3:29pm

      Exactly, Tonia! It was easy when he was little, but now that’s she’s getting up there and repeating things, we really have to struggle not to laugh or if we do, it’s like, “Hey, you want to see/hear ‘Let It Go’?” and BOOM…minefield averted :)

  9. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Larry

    May 14, 2014 at 7:17pm

    Some good laughs here. Thanks Lorne. It’s also making me think of things I said to my own kids that could be misinterpreted.
    I also could make a list of things they said that could be thought of in a dirty way

  10. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Jessica

    May 15, 2014 at 4:51am

    What is really funny. If your child is a fan of toy story. I can’t count how many times I have told one of my boys to let go of the others ‘Woody’.

    “Michael, give Jonathan back his Woody!”

    “Jonathan, don’t pull on your Woody like that!”

    :)

  11. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Chris wray

    May 15, 2014 at 5:27am

    You dirty girl. Just sounds so wrong now

  12. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Ave

    May 15, 2014 at 2:14pm

    LOL this made me giggle 😀 Was teaching my daughter to rinse her mouth after brushing her teeth… She was keen on swallowing and I had to keep telling her not to swallow, but to spit it out. Her dad came to the bathroom, only to smirk and say:” That’s where it all starts!” Dammit.
    “Stop biting it, u gotta suck it” – Eating lollipops…
    “Don’t bite, lick it” – Eating ice cream…

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 15, 2014 at 10:05pm

      Thanks so much, Ave! Love the brushing teeth story! I’m gonna have to deal w/ that one soon! And glad you and your husband both get the humor in this :)

  13. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Belinda

    May 15, 2014 at 3:52pm

    Hilarious, laughing hard – all the way from downunder. Thank you

  14. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Meg

    May 15, 2014 at 5:03pm

    My 8 yr old over uses “jerk”, a few weeks ago I got fed up and blurted out, “say jerk on more time and I’ll jerk you!” face palm, with my childhood best friend trying not to pee his pants…..

  15. Permalink  ⋅ Reply

    Christian Toto

    April 14, 2015 at 12:24am

    Great post! I’ve caught myself a few times with similar phrases. Sometimes I just chuckle to myself if the Mrs. isn’t around. Or, I’ll throw out a double entendre knowing my boys won’t get it quite yet. I know that window will soon close! I also realize they repeat stuff all the time … so I better be careful.

    • Permalink  ⋅ Reply

      Lorne Jaffe

      May 27, 2015 at 7:33pm

      Thanks, Christian! I think it’s hysterical just how bizarre some things sound when you speak them to your kids. I almost feel like someone’s going to chastise me for saying something dirty even though there’s nothing dirty about it!

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