Two nights ago, Blog Anxiety attacked me while I was trying to fall asleep. For hours, my head was ravaged by possible topics, accusations, what ifs, are my blogs too long? too short? and the Field of Dreams-type disembodied voice of one of my former writing professors: “If you blog it, you cannot publish it.” So as I tossed and turned and I thought of topics, I pulled back thinking that if I wrote about the media and children or the desensitization of violence in children and its relationship to Sienna or really anything, then I couldn’t be published and if I couldn’t be published, then I wasn’t a real writer…I doomed myself to failure.
There are so many things I want to say, but I’m afraid to because of this desire to be published…REALLY published; to succeed as a writer. Then there are the self-barbs that my blog isn’t any good. I’m not witty. I’m not insightful. No one outside of my closest friends and family are reading it. How many visiters have I had? I have no clue. Are people stumbling upon it and reading it? I doubt it. So immediately I rush towards the end game. I can’t attract readers. My blog will never be recognized as important as one of the “top blogs about blah blah blah” out there. I won’t be cited in magazines or newspapers or other blogs. I’ll just be floating in cyberspace…alone. I’ll have failed.
Hours of this garbage causing deep chest pains. This is what anxiety is: irrational attacks from the mind that you feel defenseless against and that quickly manifest into physical trauma, thus causing your defenses to weaken until you eventually submit. Luckily I didn’t have a panic attack. Instead I took a melatonin and eventually fell asleep, though the aftermath was grogginess the following day and a dull throb of anxiety coursing through my body.
Last night, similar thing. I didn’t write yesterday so I flagellated myself for not writing. I’m supposed to write each day, right? Isn’t that the rule? Despite everyone including my therapist telling me that it’s my blog and that I can do whatever I wish, I still feel these unwritten pressures and rules. I tell myself to breathe. I tell myself I’m being irrational, that this is where I go. It doesn’t work…yet (my therapist tells me to always add “yet”). I’ve been advised to try yoga or meditation classes, but I’m scared as hell because I can’t remember a time when my I wasn’t present – when I truly let myself go, and deep down, I don’t believe it’ll ever happen. Yoga. Even the word frightens me. The thought of me being in a class with all of these people (in my head) looking at and judging me. Knowing without knowing that I can’t master breathing techniques. But I need to try, for my sake and for Sienna’s. She cannot have a father figure who’s tormented by his own thoughts and therefore terrified of the world. It’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to me. I guess yoga or meditation is in my future. I have to try.
jamie
July 6, 2013 at 10:03pmMost bloggers don’t write everyday. Some blogs are just pictures. I don’t know of any who have world stopping, breath taking posts every day. Some days you write about your frustration of running out of eggs for breakfast and it gets lauded as your greatest work. Your blog is about you and your expression in the world.
By posting your writing you are published. Self published, but published none the less. You have the best inspiration ever, your beautiful wife and sweet baby girl.
I haven’t been able to blog about much of anything lately. My last 2 entries were pictures. I still have a bunch of followers. It’s ok. I love your posts and insights. I love hearing about you and your family. You and I are not so different. I have crippling social anxiety And seasonal affective disorder. I know how hard it is to put things about them *on paper* for the world to see and judge you.
you are doing something awesome. Tell the brain weasels to quiet down or you will evict them.
Hugs and love from your MD family.
M
July 6, 2013 at 11:24pmWow! That was …I was having those feelings by the time I read the whole thing! First of all, yes, people are and more will eventually be reading your site. You’re at the beginning of it all where it’s just a “clump of clay”. I took pottery classes @ Music and Art High School and there it was, the clump ready to be made into whatever the teacher asked for. Let me tell you, sometimes, many times the outcome wasn’t pretty or neat or you know, the seven-letter P word(perfect). But it was progress no matter how it looked to me. I know you have to think of the logistics re writing/publishing and I truly feel that it will happen, and here’s why, you’re still in the game! You didn’t quit or shut the whole thing down. Even then, you would probably start it up again because it’s what you love to do, write! It’s your dream and though it sounds very corny, it’s hard to kill a dream. I know, corny, but true. There are many people out there that will find you, they always do. Here’s the other P word-patience. If I could ask for one thing, it would be patience…and be ten years younger! ;D
Lorne Jaffe
July 7, 2013 at 3:24pmThx guys…doing my best to shut my brain up. Helps that I have so much support 🙂
Gigi
July 8, 2013 at 5:04amLorne, I think you write very well. A lot of people have the same sort of anxieties that you do….except that you have the courage to express it. That said, may I suggest readings from Venerable Thubten Chodron? Although she is a buddhist, I find that her advice is practical and very applicable no matter what your religion is (then again, Buddhism is a very practical religion). See link below…I have read ‘Taming the Mind’. It teaches us why it’s ok to let go of things…we all have a sort of ‘monkey mind’ that we need to tame. I know you are very busy raising a beautiful baby, but I hope you can pick up one of her books if you ever get the chance. No problem if it doesn’t interest you either. Cheers.
http://www.thubtenchodron.org/Publications/index.html
Lorne Jaffe
July 8, 2013 at 3:17pmThx Gigi,
My monkey mind often gets out of control. At least it’s better than it was before my 2nd breakdown. I’ve read some self-help books on quieting the mind and tried a bit of meditation, but I give up so easily because my brain just won’t chattering and I feel so uncomfortable. I’ll check out the link. Maybe this one will work 🙂
Sherry
July 10, 2013 at 3:42amLorne your writing is inspiring so Many people. It’s important work and e evwryone who knows you is VERY proud
Lorne Jaffe
July 11, 2013 at 4:08pmThx Sherry