“So what should we do for Sienna’s 2nd birthday?”
“I don’t know,” Elaine yawned. We sat on each side of the couch in the darkened living room. Elaine had just put Sienna to bed and was on the verge of going night-night herself.
“Don’t we have to do something?” I implored. “A party? Ask my parents if we could borrow their house and invite only people with kids so Sienna can play?”
“Maybe,” Elaine responded, her voice noncommittal. “But I’d rather we just invite a few friends if we do that. Doesn’t matter if they have kids. It’s not like we have to do anything major.”
“But we have to do something, right?”
That’s what I felt in my heart, body, brain, guts. It’s our daughter’s 2nd birthday so we need to throw her a party of some sorts. That’s what society dictates. A child’s birthday equals a party with or without clowns, bouncy tents, magicians and the like. Elaine and I had this conversation for months. We never made a decision. Sienna’s 2nd birthday is tomorrow and I feel wrong that we’re not doing anything big for it. No pirate-themed party like my friend had when his son turned 2. No kids running around a decorated backyard or house. I know a 2nd birthday party is mainly for the parents just as a 1st birthday celebration is. I know Sienna wouldn’t remember if I dressed up like Olaf from Frozen (as if I could get an Olaf costume these days when Frozen merchandise is going for thousands on Ebay). But still I feel like I’m failing her somehow. Once again I’m caring more about what a society that could care less about me thinks than I am about anything else.
Sure we’re going to see our relatives on Sunday. Sienna will see her great-grandmother, great-aunt and uncle and 2nd cousins. It will be a combined marking of Sienna’s 2nd birthday and my parents’ anniversary, but outside of a cake (hopefully my cousin’s awesome checkerboard confection) marking the occasion and maybe a card or 2, it will be just like any other gathering. Maybe there will be a balloon? Maybe a toy for her to unwrap? I’m not sure. Regardless it won’t be the remarkable event I feel pressured to create even if Elaine, Sienna and even I, the rational I, could care less about.
We’re also bringing cupcakes to her class on Sunday and I gather they’ll sing “Happy Birthday,” but that still doesn’t feel like enough.
Why are young children’s birthday parties so big in American society?
When we threw a fête for her 1st birthday (ok, maybe it wasn’t a “fête” since it was really informal), Sienna sat there confused and indifferent as evidenced by the image below:
She didn’t have a clue what was going on around her, though she interacted fine with total strangers, especially the other kids. I honestly don’t think she smiled until after everyone left and she had room to play with a balloon and climb on Elaine. Even for her 1st birthday we didn’t go all out, though we did get a delicious cake, symbolically the same one Elaine had at her bridal shower. We invited a bunch of people over to my parents’ house. We brought in pizza and Italian food. Sienna wore a nice dress. We decorated a bit. Sienna got a bunch of gifts. It was a nice time, clearly more for Elaine, myself and my parents than for Sienna. And now our daughter’s turning 2 and we’re not doing a blessed thing and I feel like I’m making a societal faux pas.
I asked other parents what they did for 2nd birthdays and the majority said they did very little. A simple family gathering. A trip to the zoo. A cake.
I guess that’s the direction we’re going. I’ll try to get some nice pictures tomorrow and the family gathering on Sunday, but there will be no party for Sienna not to recall. I’m sure the feeling that I’m failing my daughter will go away sometime next week, but I’m annoyed I’m letting inconsequential and wholly false societal “rules” dictate my life once again. I’m furious I’m playing the same comparison game I’ve played essentially my whole natural life.
And that leads nowhere except to further self-loathing so I need to take a deep breath and as my therapist instructs, repeat to myself, “This is where I go. This is what I do.”
Perhaps if I keep doing that the sharp arrow of anxiety piercing my body will dissipate and I’ll be able to ignore my the irrational part of my brain and enjoy Sienna’s 2nd birthday for what it is – my daughter simply turning 2.
Oscar
March 19, 2014 at 3:33pmParties mean nothing until they are older. When the boys turned 2, all we did was see our family, maybe have a cake. Anything above and beyond that is a waste of money.
Rachel
March 19, 2014 at 4:07pmSee, my family had a tradition because my birthday and my sister’s birthday were so close together. In lieu of a big party, my parents would take us to Disney on Ice every year. It was about an hour away, and we’d go see the ice show and go our for dinner together. As a kid, it was a lot of fun, and the outing together felt special and gave us a lot of great memories.
Larry
March 19, 2014 at 4:24pmI don’t even remember what we did for either of our son’s 2nd birthday. 2 seems to get lost in shuffle. 1 is a big party for family/friends & by 3, the child is starting to have friends.
M
March 19, 2014 at 5:08pmFor our son’s first and second birthdays, it was just us parents and my grandma. The “party” lasted between 5-10 max. We did the cake, the blowing of the candle (which we parents actually did), and had a little cake and then opening the presents. We were more excited than our son. At 1 or 2, the little ones don’t really care or understand.
We as parents care because we’re so happy to have this amazing little person in our lives.
When our son turned three, it was the first time we invited 3 kids. By three, our son fully understood what all the fuss was about, AND, that he would be getting presents!:)
Just take pics/videotape her so she and you guys can enjoy seeing them when she’s older.
Don’t let “society” get in the way of celebrating her birthday. It’s perfectly ok to keep it simple.
When our son turned 12, he told us that he just wanted to celebrate with us.
Funny…his subsequent birthdays have lasted 5-10 max! AND, he enjoys them!:)
Larry
March 19, 2014 at 6:37pmJonahs birthday is around Thanksgiving, so we’ve become the default Turkey Day family gathering place, and I’ve learned to cook a mean Turkey (and a Tofurkey too). No guilt whatsoever. We also bring cupcakes to his daycare/upk.
Rachel Amanda
March 20, 2014 at 1:28pmWhen Little J was small, we really held back and kept things realistic. Small and simple family birthday parties, we didn’t go out trick or treating on Halloween until she asked, simple Christmas gifts. Partly, because it didn’t make sense to go all-out for something she wouldn’t remember anyway. Partly because we want to set the example of living fairly simply and not buying into all of the hype of big extravagant parties, ridiculously expensive Halloween costumes, etc. It’s about being together and honoring the passing of another year.
Lorne Jaffe
March 29, 2014 at 12:52pmThanks so much for the comment, Rachel! Buying into the hype. That’s exactly it. It’s hard for people like me who are so worried about what everyone else things. I need to stop doing that and follow your wise words
Stephanie
March 20, 2014 at 1:40pmI felt like a terrible parent when we didn’t have the money to throw my son a big party for his second birthday. And my daughters first birthday was spent watching her smash a strawberry cup cake when her Grandmas came over. I still feel bad that my son is turning 3 and we aren’t doing anything big. I don’t know why I feel bad though. My parents never threw big parties for me. There was 2 big birthdays and the rest were me just having a friend or to over that weekend and having cake. I plan on raising the kids the same, simple parties. But there will always be that weird twinge of guilt for not going all out.
Lorne Jaffe
March 29, 2014 at 12:50pmStephanie, that’s the thing…where’s this guilt coming from? I have no clue what my parents did for me ages 2, 3, whatever, and yet I felt this insane need to throw Sienna a big party for her 2nd bday. I really think it’s a societal thing that’s been exacerbated by things like FB where people post pics of kids’ parties. Thanks so much for the comment and sorry it took me awhile to write back!
Brent Almond
March 21, 2014 at 11:40amAs it seems you’ve done, feel free to celebrate at little (or as much) as you’d like. The only part of your story I disagree with is that your daughter is “simply turning 2.” I get the point you were trying to make, but if YOU want to make her cupcakes every day for a week, knock yourself out. Celebrate the kiddo’s life however you see fit — while you’re still in charge! 🙂
Jonathan
March 21, 2014 at 5:26pmI totally agree with your approach to marking your daughter’s second birthday. Here in the UK, people have fairly similar attitudes to little kids’ birthday parties (…or maybe I should say that they’re under the same social pressures). It’ll be our son’s first birthday next month and we’re not doing anything major. We’re hoping it’s good weather as we’re planning to go for a little picnic at the bottom of our street with some of his baby friends and their parents. I don’t think there’s any shame whatsoever in not doing anything special to mark your kid’s second birthday (or first birthday) whatsoever. Being a parent is about so much more than what you do on a kid’s birthday.
Lorne Jaffe
March 29, 2014 at 12:55pmThanks for the comment, Jonathan! I think a picnic is a great idea, and you’re right, being a parent is def much more than throwing a bday party. So which social pressure re bday parties do you think came first? America’s or the UK’s?
Jonathan
April 12, 2014 at 1:34pmI’m not sure what came first. I do think that some sorts of events to do with babies, such as baby showers, seem to have started in the US and gradually been exported to the US. If I am being cynical, I’d say it’s so that companies that sell stuff for making these events can make more money.
Lorne Jaffe
April 13, 2014 at 1:52pmThat’s a good point, Jonathan. I def think the greeting card/party/bakery industries have gladly grabbed onto this stuff and propelled it to extreme levels thus adding pressure to us consumers