A Soul-Crushing Taste Of The Darkness Of Social Media

11420174_10153014122226298_1081348577_o

What do you see when you look at this picture?

Do you see love? Beauty? Joy? Fatherhood? Childhood? Family? Fun?

I don’t know what I see anymore.

At first look I felt a rush of excitement and pride at the capture of a wonderful moment between me and my daughter. I couldn’t wait to share it with my family and friends. I remembered how enjoyable the shoot was: Sienna doing anything asked of her; tickling Sienna while gorgeous sounds of her giggles echoed throughout the room; playing our special “Sharknado” game (in which I pretend my hands are sharks while Sienna squeals in delight) in front of total strangers. She was so beautiful and happy that day. You can see it in her face. And I loved it every bit as much as she did. And I loved the photo. I even marveled at how they made it look like I’m not balding.

Then all of that joy was ripped from my heart and my soul crumpled like a tin can beneath someone’s foot. I can’t look at the picture without thinking of hatred, darkness hiding behind keyboards and computer screens, disgusting images and words. The comments. The comments crushed me into near oblivion.

The photo appeared on Instagram as part of Dove Men+Care’s “First Fatherhood Moments” campaign – a collection of shots of dads with their children that captured a moment of pure jubilance between a dad and his kid(s). To the right of our picture stood a quote: “Having kids teaches you to use your imagination again. Learn to see the world through their eyes – in every first discovery and experience.” – Lorne J. Care Makes Dad Stronger

And below that were the vicious, revolting attacks. Some complained simply because they didn’t want ads in their Instagram feeds and I get that, but you have to accept ads if you want free services. Others focused on race, how there’s no possible way Sienna could be my kid because she’s darker than I am. That’s pure ignorance and saddened me for the most part. But then there were the utterly vile, obscenity-laden, pornographic words about Sienna and I – things I planned to do to her sexually because of the tilt of my head and Sienna’s positioning – some directed specifically at my 3-year-old little girl. It was those odious, vulgar and downright nasty comments and their accompanying ghostly laughter that broke me – literally making me queasy and weak – and wrenched all sense of exultation from my body and my mind’s perception of the image. Just like that beauty morphed into salaciousness.

Still I shared the image on Facebook accompanied by a warning about the comments and the words, “I feel sick.” The response was overwhelmingly supportive and outraged. In the FB Dad Bloggers group, people remarked on the adorableness of the picture and offered the following advice:

“Never read comments. Never read comments. Never.”

“Dark side of social gives cowards a sense of courage.”

“F**k the trolls!”

“Ignore the nonsense. Some insignificant dbags on the Internet don’t matter in the grander scale of life.  Some people are just out to be vile a-holes, it would have been on whatever picture they saw that day.”

“You can’t let idiots get you down. I know, easier said than done, but half of those comments are from kids thinking they’re funny and the rest are just Internet bottom feeders. Anyone that takes the time to post hate on something beautiful has a lot of problems and you (and your daughter) are not one of them.”

Some shared the Instagram link on their own pages. Others flooded the image’s comment section with positivity.

I thanked them for having my back, but still I felt horrible. I took Sienna to a play place to try to get away from things, but despite doing my best, the juxtaposition of the picture and the awful comments left me uneasy and unsteady. Then I received a deeply apologetic e-mail from Dove Men+Care informing me they were pulling the photo to protect Sienna and I from even more illicit, repulsive remarks (and to disassociate the brand from such negativity, of course, which I completely understood). They wanted to make sure I didn’t take it personally and noted people to contact in case I just needed to talk. Later in the day, I received a second e-mail from Dove Men+Care following up to make sure I was ok and again asking if I needed to talk to someone. I seriously doubt most corporations would act in a similar capacity and I thank Dove Men+Care for their, well, caring.

Still, the fact that they pulled the ad was like another punch in the gut even if I agreed with the move. I e-mailed my parents, sister, friends and therapist to tell them the picture was pulled and that I was upset. All told me that it wasn’t my fault, that I did nothing wrong, that it wasn’t a personal attack, that it’s a special picture and I needed to ignore these horrid comments.

I reported back to the Dad Bloggers group that Dove Men+Care pulled the picture. Some reported the worst perpetrators to Instagram. Others tracked down their names, addresses and phone numbers. They all suspected the commentators were JHS/HS punks and some wanted to contact their parents. I’m not sure if they did, but I appreciated the support nonetheless. And then Mike Tremoulet of Spoon and Knife nailed it and put a lot of things in perspective:

“here’s another angle: Play the numbers game a bit. Currently, there are 308 comments on the picture, according to my browser. A chunk of those are from dads like us who point out what a great picture this is. Another chunk are upset that Instagram is now inserting promoted pics/ads into their stream. That has nothing to do with your picture and everything to do with how Instagram works (and no, they’re not the worst commenters).

I’m going to be conservative, on a quick scan, and say that half of the comments fall into those categories. That means, ballpark, about 150 comments we’ll call nasty. (You can use your own adjective there.)

There’s one other statistic you aren’t as likely to see, so I’m going to put it in all caps here. THIRTY THREE AND A HALF **THOUSAND** PEOPLE LIKED YOUR PHOTO. Let me say that again. THIRTY THREE AND A HALF **THOUSAND**. These people didn’t just see the photo, they STOPPED AND TOOK THE TIME TO DOUBLE-TAP, OR PRESS THE HEART, AND LIKE YOUR PHOTO. If I’m shouting, it’s so that you hear this louder than the nasty commenters.

For comparison, I’m happy if any picture of mine gets more than 10 likes. 33.4 THOUSAND!”

That also means, if I round the numbers a bit and break out a calculator, LESS THAN HALF OF ONE PERCENT OF PEOPLE WHO SAW YOUR PHOTO HAD SOMETHING BAD TO SAY. **LESS THAN HALF OF ONE PERCENT!** I think it’s a very safe bet that any celebrity or public figure on this planet would ABSOLUTELY DREAM of having numbers like that.

You want a meaningless (though admittedly not quite equal) comparison? Barack Obama has about a 46% approval rating now. Congress, a 19% approval rating. (Gallup, both). YOU HAVE A 99.6% APPROVAL RATING! SHOUT THAT FROM THE ROOFTOP! NINETY NINE POINT SIX PERCENT APPROVAL!

Lorne, congratulations!!! You’ve had a viral moment, complete with the good and the bad. I’m sorry it’s had its rough parts, but I’m proud of you (and the picture is awesome, and your relationship with Sienna is inspiring.)

THIRTY THREE AND A HALF THOUSAND!!!”
As a person suffering from depression, this is the story of my life. I’m super-magnetically drawn to the negatives and usually am unable to see the positives or if I can, the awfulness, as little as it might be, overwhelms any sense of accomplishment or good. Mike’s words opened my eyes to that and helped steady the ship.
So where does this leave me? Half of me wants to stare at the picture until my eyeballs pop out of my skull from exhaustion in order to take back agency and power. I’ve spent my entire life ceding all power to others, desperately needing everyone to like me, living my life for other people. Gradually, as the years go by, I’ve gotten better and stronger, but I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I still fear and expect judgment. I so want to be able to look at this perfectly captured image of Sienna and I and heed the advice of dad blogger Jayson Merryfield of In The Moment Photography
“If you want to focus on the positive, just remember how this picture will be received by those who know and love you. No one is going to read the comments. No one will see the hate, the blind bigotry or just plain obscenity that some people feel permitted to spew onto the internet.

What they WILL see if this picture. More importantly, what your daughter will see is this picture. She’ll see it today, and tomorrow, and in 15 years on her wedding day when it’s a part of the slideshow (if anyone still does those in 15 years). Maybe you print it out and put it in her room in a little frame. Maybe you make it the wallpaper on your phone so she sees it now whenever she grabs it to play Angry Birds. 

What this picture represents is a complete, unadulterated good thing, and what the dozen or so vile commenters can’t hide is the fact that 33,400+ people saw your picture, saw the joy in your daughters face and the connection that the two of you have, and they liked what they saw.”
But can I? I still see the nefarious comments each time I look at the picture. Will that fade over time? How will I react the next time I’m faced with social media’s terrible side? I hope it’ll be with newly developed power.
Have you experienced the dark side of social media? I’d love to read your stories. 
The Dad Network

Firefly®’s Star Wars Lightsaber Toothbrush Makes Brushing Fun For Sienna – FINALLY!

“Sienna! Time to brush your teeth!”

No Sienna.

“Sienna! Time to brush your teeth!”

No Sienna.

“Don’t make me count!”

Sienna solemnly appears in the bathroom, head down, feet shuffling. She hates this. She hates brushing her teeth. She’s 3 years old and wants to play and brushing her teeth is an annoyance of epic proportions. I’m sure most of you parents of toddlers have experienced the sudden lethargy when it comes to teeth brushing. It’s frustrating for us as much as it is for them. It was especially frustrating for me because Sienna outright refused to do it herself despite wanting to take control of every single activity in her life. I had to stand there and command her to open her mouth, teeth together, stop eating the toothpaste and chomping on the brush. Torture. Pure torture. I couldn’t understand it and I needed a solution. Then a friend of mine told me about Firefly®’s Star Wars Lightsaber Toothbrushs and our lives changed. There were 2 choices: a blue Obi-Wan toothbrush and a red Darth Vader. No question. Welcome to family, Darth! I’ve been teaching Sienna about Star Wars and this toothbrush fell right into my desire to share one of my favorite childhood loves with my daughter.

64779-FF-SW-RedLightSaber (1)

How did Sienna react? Check it out:


Utter fascination! You press a button and the Dark Sith Lord tells you to join him to complete your training or you just hear his famous breathing. Suddenly you’re awash in a blinking red lightsaber complete with the glorious lightsaber sounds. The sounds and lights keep going until it’s time to stop brushing at which point Vader tells you that your skills or complete or more importantly, “The Force is with you!” which Sienna always repeats with a wide, gleaming smile on her face.

And most importantly, Sienna DID IT ALL HERSELF!!! I just had to do a quick brushing afterwards to make sure she got all of her teeth for the Tooth Fairy wants nothing less than pearly whites.

Here are some images from Sienna’s first brushing with Firefly®’s Darth Vader Lightsaber Toothbrush:

IMG_5706IMG_5714

IMG_5715

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Firefly® gets it. They’re able to instill healthy habits and allow toddlers and kids to take control of teeth brushing without them even realizing it. Lights, sounds, favorite characters and play. And it works. It really does. Within a few days Sienna fell in love with brushing her teeth.

IMG_5745

IMG_5751

And it’s fun for us parents too. I love hearing Sienna talk about Darth Vader, swing her lightsaber and happily say, “The Force is with me!”

To make things even better Firefly®’s running a #BrushBattle Sweepstakes until the end of June. Just enter your info and you have a chance to win a trip for 4 to an awesome California theme park! Of course, if you enter, it means I have less of a chance of winning, but I’ll allow it.

So go out and pick up one of these fantastic Firefly® toothbrushes. You won’t be disappointed.

May the Force be with you!

Disclosure: The writer was compensated monetarily or via product for this post.

Pop Secret, Star Wars™, Feeling The Force & Secrets Of Being A Stay-At-Home Dad

There’s a call and refrain in my home whenever my daughter and I are about to watch a film:

Me: MOVIES!!

3-yr-old Sienna: POPCORN!!

I love the movies. I love going to the movies. I love watching movies at home. And I love to share my love of movies and the magic within with my daughter. That, to me, is a secret of stay-at-home dad (SAHD) success – sharing your passions with your children. Now this doesn’t mean that we’re watching movies day and night. It simply means that us watching a movie together is something special and when at home, when we don’t have to spend a gazillion bucks on popcorn at our local multiplex, we get to enjoy a scrumptious bag of Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn which makes things so easy since the snack’s already made!

And if there’s one movie saga about which I’m insanely passionate, it’s Star Wars™. I started sharing my love for Star Wars™ with my daughter early. As soon as she could speak I had her saying, “Chewie, come here!” when asked what Han Solo said. I mimicked Darth Vader’s breathing, Chewie’s howls, Yoda’s vocals. Now at 3, despite never seeing any of the films, Sienna knows the good guys from the bad. She sings “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Yoda”. Together we play with little Star Wars™ dolls (graciously given to Sienna by her aunt). But while I share my passions with my daughter, I mostly let her dictate the course of play and imagination which as an adult is often difficult, and that’s another secret of being a SAHD – don’t just play with your child, crack open your imagination like an egg and let the creativity flow through you like The Force.

Then something glorious and strange happened. On May 4, 2015, Pop Secret debuted some awesome packaging for their delicious new line of flavors including Kettle Corn, Salted, White Chedder, Homestyle and the brand new Extra Cheesy starring some pretty well known characters who you might know as Chewie, Artoo, Darth and more.

PS_SW_ExtraChessyThe glorious part was that Pop Secret had teamed with my beloved Star Wars™; the strange part was that I began to feel an odd shift in balance when I gobbled my Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn, like there was something around me that I could control with my mind – a force of some sort. I’d heard something about Pop Secret and Jedi powers, but frankly, I thought it was nonsense until I started eating this convenient and quality snack from bags embossed with my favorite Star Wars™ characters and all sorts of Star Wars™ trivia. I felt it. I felt The Force flow through me. So I tested it on my wife and here’s what happened:

All the rumors were true! But I had to use my powers for good, right? Like teaching my daughter to use the potty which unfortunately didn’t work. Apparently I needed to refine my Force training which I shall continue to do.

As soon as she opened that box, saw Chewbacca’s grinning face and heard me say it was special popcorn, she ran to get her Star Wars™ dolls. I opened the bag and it was play time:

IMG_5722

Sienna gobbles down Pop Secret Extra Cheesy Pre-popped Popcorn surrounded by her Star Wars™ friends

IMG_5726

Sienna matches her Chewbacca doll up with Chewie’s face on the Pop Secret bag

And while I had to take away the popcorn after a bit to prevent us from downing the whole bag, we spent hours playing with her Star Wars™ dolls who also, happily, found a new home which leads me to my final SAHD secret – don’t immediately throw away boxes just because they’re empty…sometimes, they can become canvases for beautiful works of art or in this case, where the artwork was already on display, sometimes they can become a treasure chest:

IMG_5729

Sienna’s Star Wars™ dolls in their new Pop Secret home

There’s something else very special about Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn that I’d like to share, something on a very personal level. For the last few months, my wife has battled stomach issues (nothing serious, thankfully) and has been forced onto a strict diet that’s eliminated so many snacks she used to love – but not Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn. Pop Secret is non-GMO popcorn, has no preservatives, 0 grams of trans fat and best of all, is 100% gluten free. In fact, just this past weekend we had a long postponed movie night party for my wife’s birthday with 6 of our friends which coincidentally had us watching the original Star Wars™. Amidst all the pizza, chips, pretzels and cookies, it was Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn that truly enhanced our movie night because my wife could happily partake.

Now it’s your turn. Remember that video you watched earlier and those rumblings about Pop Secret and The Force? Well there’s more to it than you might have thought. Pop Secret and Life of Dad have partnered up for a #PopWars Video Contest where the lucky winner will take home over $1000 in Pop Secret and Star Wars™ prizes. All you have to do is create an fun, uplifting video showing how Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn gave you or your family the powers of The Force. Videos will be judged on creativity, theme, and brand involvement. And make sure to tell everyone why you’re the ultimate Jedi and why your video is the best using #PopWars! For full details please visit http://popsecret.lifeofdad.com.

And may Pop Secret Pre-popped Popcorn, my SAHD secrets and of course, that little thing called “The Force” be with you.

Disclosure: I have partnered with Life of Dad and Pop Secret and was compensated for my participation in this promotion.