“I’ll Take Things That Leave Me Tongue-Tied for $1000, Alex”

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Question: “So what did you do before you were a full-time stay-at-home dad?”

Answer: “Hamana-hamana-hamana!

I hate that question. I never know how to answer it because I’m embarrassed by my work history and eventually I feel the need to disclose that I had a nervous breakdown. I really wish people didn’t consider work so important or such a categorical thing. It’s hard enough for me to have to internally battle the irrational definition of success that I’ve lived with most of my life without also having to deal with the feeling that I’m then going to be judged by those who ask me about my past work. It’s something I dread each time I meet someone new.

Today we were supposed to have a NYC Dads Group meetup at Fort Totten which has a nice playground and soccer field and is located close to the Throgs Neck Bridge. It’s a rarity that there’s a meetup in Queens, and this one had 7 other dads going including the event coordinator. I didn’t RSVP for the event until this morning because Sienna has been getting over a cold, so I wanted to make sure she was healthy enough to go; I didn’t want her to infect anyone else. Anyway, I got to Fort Totten and discovered that the event coordinator couldn’t make it, but the meetup was still on. I flushed with anxiety immediately because the event coordinator was the only person I knew who was going to be there. I debated going home, but decided to try and get through the meetup. I stood at the entrance to the park for 20 minutes and then posted a couple of messages, but no one responded. I finally headed to the playground in hopes of finding someone.

I let Sienna loose and stood around hoping for another dad to show up. I posted a pic (the same pic at the top of this entry) on FB and noted that I was anxious and indeed I was. Finally a guy came up to me and asked if I was with the Dads Group. Whew! At least one other person showed up! He told me his name and introduced me to his adorable 4-yr-old daughter. Then came the dreaded questions: “What do you do?” “Where did you work before becoming a stay-at-home dad?” Despite hearing them so often, these questions always stop me in my tracks. I become very vague. I worked in film for awhile. I worked in administration. Inside my stomach churns and pure disgust runs through my blood vessels. The thought, “You were supposed to be something!” flattens me. I feebly mention I have a masters in media studies. And then I know I’m going to tell about my nervous breakdown. It’s almost like a crutch sometimes – an excuse for why I failed in the work world. And then it’s, “My goal is to write.” It’s almost always the same, and it’s a reason why I rarely talk to anyone about work. If you ask me what my friends do for a living, I can only give you hazy descriptions because I really don’t know and I don’t talk to them about it. Talking to people about work reinforces my self-deluded belief that I’ve failed in life, and sometimes, not even looking at Sienna can get me out of it.

Today, luckily, the other dad, after I brought up the breakdown, mentioned he suffers from social anxiety despite being a fireman. That gave us something in common, at least. From there I concentrated on the kids. As I mentioned, his daughter was adorable and liked trying to help Sienna at the playground. Sienna had a great time climbing up and down the stairs and going down the slide. Still, I was shaky from not just the lack of people who showed up, but from the work question, and eventually I had to leave. It’s been hours and the feeling’s still with me. My therapist tells me not to listen to my feelings because they’re almost always irrational. She’s right, but I can’t seem to push them away.

Somehow I need to loosen this hold work has on me, I just don’t know how to do it…yet.

Insomnia update – still going on. Taking melatonin every night. I hope this ends soon.

The Burden of Insomnia

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Fact: I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since Sienna was born. I’ve heard this isn’t unique, that once you have a kid, your mind automatically listens for any little noise thus causing you to awake in the middle of night time and time again. My parents said that despite me pushing 40, it hasn’t helped their sleeping habits. My best friend also weighed in and said that getting older plays a role, that he falls asleep only to awake a few hours later and remain up for who knows how many hours. He said that he now goes downstairs and watches an episode or 2 of some show in hopes he’ll fall asleep again.

I definitely think that having Sienna has changed my ability to stay asleep and/or feel rested regardless of how much sleep I get, but it doesn’t explain my current bout with insomnia. It started when Elaine left for Las Vegas. At first I attributed it to the stress of taking care of Sienna completely alone and missing Elaine next to me at night, but it’s continued despite her return. Actually, it’s gotten worse. The other night I couldn’t fall asleep until past 5 am, and after getting up at 8-something to take care of Sienna, I spent the rest of the day in a zombie-like state (even though I took a 3-hour nap). I took a melatonin that night at 9 pm and quickly fell asleep, but I awoke a few hours later, fell back asleep, awoke again, fell back asleep, awoke again, etc. In all, I got probably 9-10 hours of sleep and I’m still exhausted.

I think part of what’s killing me is the inability to stay asleep. It used to be that I spent hours trying to fall asleep, but once I was out, I was OUT; nothing could wake me up. That’s no longer the case, though I tend not to hear Sienna when she wakes up because she sits in her crib and talks to herself instead of crying. I have my alarm set for 8 am and hit snooze again and again depending on how tired I am. Sienna never complains. Once I snoozed ’til TEN!! I felt ridiculously guilty about that. In a sense, Sienna not crying and almost always sleeping through the night is a blessing. People will say we’re lucky, and I have to agree. She started sleeping through the night when she was 4 months. She only seems to have trouble when she’s either teething or sick. She does fight naps, though.

Still, this current stretch of insomnia is driving me nuts! I’ve had insomnia all my life. It was so bad in junior high that not only did my mom have to talk to the school’s dean (I was constantly late because I couldn’t wake up), but I went to a sleep clinic where all I remember is having to fill out a bubble sheet composed of something like 500 questions. My parents never took me back. In high school, I went around on about 3 hrs sleep a night and then crashed on weekends.

Now that I’ve had so many years of therapy, I realize that my childhood insomnia was primarily the result of monkey mind; my brain just would not shut up! I still suffer that, and lately it’s been terrible. So when you combine the monkey mind with constantly waking up because I now have Sienna and perhaps getting older, it’s not good in general. But these last 5-6 days, it’s been beyond horrible. Tossing and turning. Thinking a lot about death and the usual self-inflicted guilt trips and barbs about being a failure.

Why now? What is so on my mind that my ability to fall asleep is worse than ever??? I’d love to take melatonin every night, but I’m afraid to. I have a feeling my body will eventually adjust to it and it’ll lose its effect. Plus I always feel groggy the next day, and I hate that.

I guess all I can do is hope this stretch ends soon or maybe I somehow pinpoint what exactly is keeping me awake. All I know is I’m in desperate need of much more frequent visits from the Sandman.

A Dads’ Night Out Leaves Me Stunned

Last night, a group of us from the NYC Dads Group went to see an advanced screening of “The Wolverine,” and I can tell you without really spoiling anything that the X-Men fav, Logan, escapes the story safe and sound. I can also tell you that movie is kind of meh, but it’s a gazillion times better than the garbage that was “Wolverine: Origins.” I wasn’t surprised by Wolverine living or the movie being just ok, but I WAS stunned by the amount of security surrounding the screening. They forced us to give up our phones, iPads, etc, and then used some sort of electronics sweeper to make sure we weren’t carrying anything into the theater (of course, they had no problem with me bringing in my Swiss army knife!). Anyway, That’s something the screening team should publicize, especially for something like a dads group whose members might need to be in contact w/ babysitters, significant others, etc. It’s no fault of the Dads Group or the theater – strictly the screening team – but it did mar the experience for some group members.

What was more shocking was what a couple of dads told me at the theater: they don’t just read my blog, but they think it’s good. I didn’t know what to say. These compliments came out of nowhere, and they did cause some anxiety because I don’t know how to handle good things said about me. My therapist always tells me to just accept them, but I have trouble with that. It all comes down to self-worth and I’ve still yet (again using “yet”) to reach the point where I can just say, “Thanks so much” without feeling weird and confused.

This also happened the same day when the NYC Dads Group shared a list of 10 must-read dad blogs according to Out With The Kids. I couldn’t even look at the list because I knew mine wasn’t on it. Instantly I felt pangs of failure despite the reality that my blog is new on the scene. Once again my brain went to the extreme – I HAVE to be successful with this blog – That my blog hasn’t been recognized by media outlets means I’m no good – blah, blah blah. I’m not sure how, but I was able to overcome these self-inflicted daggers, though if asked, I can’t explain how.

I have no idea how many people actually read this blog. I have no idea if it’s gone beyond friends and family. I have no idea how many of my friends and family actually read it. Which brings me back to the compliments from these two dads group members. Both commented on how well it’s written (I still think my writing sucks). One said to keep at it because I’m putting stuff out there that will help others suffering from similar doubts, anxieties, depression, etc. The other said that my blog’s inspired him to get back to writing. WHAT??? I’m INSPIRING someone?? How can that be? I don’t know if they knew this, but I was close to tears.

People are reading this thing and they think it’s good. My therapist’s voice is whispering to just accept it. I’m trying. I really am. For now I give an awkward thanks to my readers (I can’t believe I just wrote “my readers”). I am positively stunned.

Home Alone (Sorta) Update – So Far, So Good

Elaine’s been in Vegas for nearing on two days now and all’s been well. Saturday evening, Sienna and I went to my parents’ house for dinner. They’d just returned from a cruise of Iceland and Norway and it was about midnight for them, but they were nice enough to have us over to help with my anxiety over feeling alone with Sienna. They also said that if they weren’t too jet-lagged, they’d be glad to watch Sienna the following day; they’d missed their granddaughter terribly.

Yesterday morning, my mom called and told me I could bring Sienna over whenever I wanted. I had an internal struggle with this. On one hand, I’d be giving myself that break I so desperately wanted and talked about not having in my last post. On the other irrational hand, I felt like a bad parent, dumping my kid off because I couldn’t handle her alone. It took a lot of power for me to push aside that ridiculous latter thought, but I did. I brought Sienna to my parents’ house and took myself to a rather eclectic double feature of The Conjuring and Monsters University. Meanwhile, my dad took Sienna to a nearby park, gave her lunch, and put her down for her nap. My mom then came home and the two of them played with her and then gave her dinner.

The double feature helped me feel rather free, and I’m happy to say I didn’t experience any guilt. That’s a rarity for me. When I got back to my parents’, I found a very happy Sienna and some eggplant parm awaitng me. Sienna ran up and hugged my legs. That made me feel great! After dinner, we went home, I gave Sienna a bath, her bedtime bottle, and put her down. The only problem I had was falling asleep myself. I’ve had to take melatonin the last two nights because absurd thoughts have been zooming and rebounding through my head. Unfortunately it makes me groggy the next day, but it has to be done; better that than no sleep.

One other problem. My dad’s coming down with a cold so I’m praying Sienna doesn’t get sick. I’ll even pray to Xenu if it’ll do the trick (sorry..I’m currently reading Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood and the Prison of Belief by Pulitzer Prize-winning writer, Lawrence Wright…man, if even one tenth of what Wright’s account of the rise of Scientology and his investigation of its behind-the-scenes goings-on is true then this is one of the scariest organizations in existence).

So…so far, so good. A big thanks to my parents and a big pat on the back to myself for not letting my anxiety mar my decision-making. Also, a big thanks to my sister-in-law for her very caring and supportive message 🙂

And Xenu? No colds, please!

 

Home Alone (Sorta)

 

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Sienna’s too busy “texting” to let Daddy finish dressing her on 7/20/13, her 16-mo bday

 

Elaine just walked out the door, on her way to the airport to spend 4 days of fun and possibly Mike Tyson-related adventures in Las Vegas with a couple of her friends. That means it’s just Sienna and I. For 4 days and 4 nights. Just my daughter and I. My chest feels like concrete and has since last night.

This is in no way meant to make Elaine feel guilty. Last night, when I was losing it, she offered to cut her trip short and I outright refused. She deserves a great vacation, something filled with excitement,  relaxation, and lack of worry. So if/when you read this, wife of mine, know that it’s for me and I’m writing just to let my feelings pour from my fingers rather than my eyes.

I was napping and Sienna was in her crib when Elaine came home from work in a mad rush to meet her car service (she convinced me last night not to drive her to airport because I was already starting to lose it a bit – tic started going as I began to realize how anxious I was about her leaving). I saw her for maybe 8 minutes and I was half asleep which didn’t give me time to break down. At the same time, Elaine decided not go in and see Sienna because she was afraid she (Elaine) would start crying. I can’t blame her.

After Elaine left, I walked into the bedroom and saw things scattered all over the bed. The apartment immediately felt empty, despite Sienna talking to herself in her room down the hall. I noticed our cat, Minky, was under the bed, and so I lay on my stomach to fish him out. Instead I wound up tightly holding onto him, trying not think about if I’ll be able to handle these next 4 days.

I’ll get a reprieve here or there. My parents are coincidentally returning from a cruise today, right around the same time Elaine’s plane is due to leave. They’ll probably be tired and it might take them a little while to return to our time zone, but I know they’re dying to see Sienna and if they can, will gladly watch her tomorrow or at least have us over for a bit. Then they’ll both return to work, though my mom’s office is across the street from our apartment. I’m almost positive I won’t get a night to myself as Elaine did when I went to Tampa to visit one of my best friends a few months ago. I haven’t talked to my parents about it, though. I’m sure they’ll do what they can to help, but my brain isn’t all rational right now as evidenced by the pain in my chest.

I miss my wife like crazy despite her barely being away, and not just because I’m terrified of being alone with Sienna both day and night for 4 consecutive days. She is the love of my life and my rock. I might be able to talk to others if I have a crisis, but no one can hold and calm me like she can. What happens if I have a panic attack sometime during Elaine’s trip? Who will hug me and talk me down? I’ll have to rely on the techniques taught by my therapist and advised by friends more than ever. I hope I can implement them correctly. I hope I can breathe.

Metaphorically, as I neared the end of this blog, Minky threw up all over the table, right in front of Sienna. I jumped up and ran to the kitchen for paper towels and Lysol wipes, but Sienna, being a toddler, was too quick; she was finger-painting in Minky’s vomit by the time I returned. I told myself to breathe, cleaned the mess, and washed Sienna’s hands with both soap and Purell. Does Minky’s action portend these next 4 days will be messy or does my reaction to it, my ability to competently handle the situation, foreshadow me getting through Elaine’s vacation with strength? Despite my inclination, I’m going to go with the latter. Now if I can just tell my chest that.